[vl 'bedo] A madman's prayer.
Aug. 16th, 2004 02:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
coronaviridae[muse]: Call it catharsis.
God, make him love me again.
"Please, if you'll only answer me this once--if you won't take the visions away or let me die with no loss of dignity or pride, at least make things easier."
If I have faith enough only for one prayer, just make him love me again.
"I would give anything. I already have given everything I can think of. I--I--I--I'd sacrifice everything I have left, what little I've been saving! Toys. Worthless toys, all of them! Nothing compared to what I could have. Just--listen to me."
I beg of you.
"I--there's nothing left without him! Everything I'm striving for is worthless if he doesn't see it! I've given everything--lied, cheated, stolen--foresworn myself! God! I've sinned against you in every way you bothered to have your prophets write down, all for him, and it won't ever be enough!"
Soften his heart toward me once more.
"Tell me why! Tell me what part of your plan dictates that this had to happen, even if nothing else is inevitable! Even if every damn thread that was left holding fate in place has been severed, why was it important to you that he should reject me again, after I've given everything up to follow him?"
Surely I deserve this.
"Why CAN'T it be enough? I admitted I was wrong! I--was--wrong! I know it now! I'm the one who caused this to happen! I failed! I was the traitor! And still it's not enough for him, still he says that I'm bound to just repeat my mistakes, to never learn, to keep hurting him. He calls me weak, he remembers me as the crying, whining one who was always a burden on him."
Surely I've paid enough in my own blood.
"He...doesn't remember me, no. He cast me out. Repudiated me. There is nothing left for me--he wants back someone who doesn't exist any longer. Someone he can't have. Someone he killed, along with all the rest of us back on Miltia. Fourteen years ago--God, why weren't you watching then? Why did you allow that to happen? Why did it have to drive us so far apart?"
Why don't you ever listen?
"WHY?! Why can't I have him back? Why have I been CONDEMNED to this existence without any possibility of ever reclaiming his favor? Why did you do this to me?"
I hate you!
"How could you promise these things to me--just like him--and yank them out of my grip! I've pushed on for the sake of those promises, and neither of you can keep them! Why am I always the one abandoned and ignored! Why am I nothing more than your plaything, your dog, your monster, to be sacrificed at YOUR convenience! Why?!"
I hate you for going away!
"...I...oh, God, forgive me--Father, forgive me. Rubedo...forgive me..."
Please come back.
Please love me again.
God, make him love me again.
"Please, if you'll only answer me this once--if you won't take the visions away or let me die with no loss of dignity or pride, at least make things easier."
If I have faith enough only for one prayer, just make him love me again.
"I would give anything. I already have given everything I can think of. I--I--I--I'd sacrifice everything I have left, what little I've been saving! Toys. Worthless toys, all of them! Nothing compared to what I could have. Just--listen to me."
I beg of you.
"I--there's nothing left without him! Everything I'm striving for is worthless if he doesn't see it! I've given everything--lied, cheated, stolen--foresworn myself! God! I've sinned against you in every way you bothered to have your prophets write down, all for him, and it won't ever be enough!"
Soften his heart toward me once more.
"Tell me why! Tell me what part of your plan dictates that this had to happen, even if nothing else is inevitable! Even if every damn thread that was left holding fate in place has been severed, why was it important to you that he should reject me again, after I've given everything up to follow him?"
Surely I deserve this.
"Why CAN'T it be enough? I admitted I was wrong! I--was--wrong! I know it now! I'm the one who caused this to happen! I failed! I was the traitor! And still it's not enough for him, still he says that I'm bound to just repeat my mistakes, to never learn, to keep hurting him. He calls me weak, he remembers me as the crying, whining one who was always a burden on him."
Surely I've paid enough in my own blood.
"He...doesn't remember me, no. He cast me out. Repudiated me. There is nothing left for me--he wants back someone who doesn't exist any longer. Someone he can't have. Someone he killed, along with all the rest of us back on Miltia. Fourteen years ago--God, why weren't you watching then? Why did you allow that to happen? Why did it have to drive us so far apart?"
Why don't you ever listen?
"WHY?! Why can't I have him back? Why have I been CONDEMNED to this existence without any possibility of ever reclaiming his favor? Why did you do this to me?"
I hate you!
"How could you promise these things to me--just like him--and yank them out of my grip! I've pushed on for the sake of those promises, and neither of you can keep them! Why am I always the one abandoned and ignored! Why am I nothing more than your plaything, your dog, your monster, to be sacrificed at YOUR convenience! Why?!"
I hate you for going away!
"...I...oh, God, forgive me--Father, forgive me. Rubedo...forgive me..."
Please come back.
Please love me again.
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-16 02:35 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-08-16 01:55 pm (UTC)